|by Anthony Cali
You'll have to excuse me for not writing a new commentary in the last month. Unlike some other writers who write on this site, my rigorous schedule here in WWE keeps me extremely busy. Since I know how many of you have been going through withdrawals since my last post, I decided to give you all an early Christmas gift by writing a BRAND NEW commentary for my great fans!
Just like you and me, WWE Superstars are hoping for some very special gifts underneath their Christmas trees. Here's a list of what some of our Superstars might be looking for this Holiday season:
The Book is hoping to have an extra finger surgically attached to his right hand. Since he feels he will win his sixth championship in the forthcoming year, he'd like to be able to look down at his hand and say that he is the six time, six time, six time, six time, six time, six time World Heavyweight Champion.
The "King of the World" expects St. Nick to leave him a custom made crown so that the masses will know he truly is royalty. And because he was extra good this year, Jericho is also looking for a court jester and a couple of beautiful wenches.
Just as Johnny asked for snow, Christian is asking for a mild winter. Apparently the recent cold snap has left the nine-time Tag Team Champion with a major case of shrinkage.
As many fans have learned, the Big Red Monster has a knack for delivering great impersonations. It is this underutilized talent that he would like to showcase on a holiday edition of Saturday Night Live as its first-ever masked host.
Nobody likes being alone during the holidays and since his divorce from Smackdown! GM Stephanie McMahon, Triple H hasn't found that special someone. That's why The Game is asking Santa for a very special mannequin to snuggle with next to the fire and spend some quality time with.
Big Poppa Pump only cares about two things: his freaks and his peaks. That's why it's not going to be a silent night on Christmas Eve when the Big Bad Booty Daddy unwraps his Christmas package and takes two-dozen hooches to nirvana while giving himself the workout of a lifetime.
Word has it that Brock Lesnar wants to be the next big thing in Hollywood. Therefore he has asked Santa for a gray, full-body latex costume complete with horns.Apparently he is interested in auditioning for the role of Rhino in an upcoming Spiderman movie and feels this is his best shot. One must admit that the resemblance between the two is uncanny.
Our Olympic Hero has asked Santa to write him some new words for his patriotic theme music. Apparently Angle is displeased with the fans constantly chanting "You suck" every time he steps through the curtain as he feels that the slogan is getting old. Some new lyrics will certainly breathe new life into his theme.
As you all know, Test doesn't need anything for Christmas, he's already got Stacy Keibler. What more could a guy ask for?
While they have swelled recently, Stacy would still like to see Test's Testicles double in size this holiday season.
What Victoria needs this Christmas is just a big hug!
For some strange reason Steven Richards is asking for coal in his stocking this Christmas. Either he's using reverse psychology or it sounds like someone knows that they didn't behave themselves this year.
The innovator of Mattitude has requested Santa deliver him a "Mini-Matt" so that he may bequeath his words and wisdom upon his miniature Mfers' (Mattitude Followers') fresh little ears.
Assuming he successfully defends his title against Kurt Angle this Sunday at Armageddon, Big Show is hoping to wake up on Christmas morning with an adjusted version of his WWE title -one that actually fits around his waist.
Jeff Hardy & Goldust
These two Superstars asked jolly St. Nick for permanent body art kits. This way, their colors won't rub off during their matches.
The Nature Boy would like to unwrap his 17th World Championship so that he may finish off his final run in style. But if he can't have that, he'd gladly settle for a new wardrobe of sequined ring robes.
All that Batista wants this Christmas is some real competition.
What about Raven? Well, he asked for a new flock and just as there are eight festive nights of Hanukkah, he hoped for eight followers for his cult-like group. Only time will tell if he got his wish
Seeing as how Dawn seems to fall in love with anybody whose last name ends in "ilson," nothing would suit her more than getting to spend the holidays at the Wilson household. Just imagine the situations that might flare up during Christmas dinner.
Tune in next week for the 2002 Dubious Achievement Awards